i read this card the other day and it hit my heart like a ton of bricks. number one i need to apply it to my own life, and number two i wanted to buy this for about 10 different people but opted to send it to one, buy a birthday card, and a random love note to a friend…cards are expensive. so to those who did not get this in the mail and need to hear it, know i was thinking of you, but this way fits my budget.
acceptance…all of our lives we strive for acceptance. to be in the in crowd, to make our parents proud, to be the best friend, daughter, son, husband, wife etc…what i’ve come to realize is, these people already accept me…they accepted me fat, lean, with a good job, jobless, happy and sad, being an angel or more like the devil…what my problem is, is i don’t always accept myself. i lost 20 lbs, i wanted 20 more. i got an A, i wanted an A+ (yes i made good grades). i screwed up really bad one time and i couldn’t forgive myself. I finally forgave myself (geezle petes. that took 3 years), i finally passed college algebra after dropping it twice (with an A), i lost 20 more pounds (plus 40 more), i got on stage in an over priced bikini ( and still felt like i didn’t belong)…i gained back 15 more pounds (now i really still see the old chubby erin)…does this sound familiar to anyone? if anyone doesn’t have at least one of these problems, i wish we could train brains for a day. i’ve been working on the issue of accepting myself for the past 3 years. i have gotten much better, really i have, but i still find these thoughts constantly creeping into my brain…i blame the devil…God looks at me and sees beauty, the devil, He puts the thoughts of NOT GOOD ENOUGH in my head…holding me back from being the ultimate ME…he wants me to see ugly so i’ll hide my face, and not shine the beauty that’s inside me…well i’m tired of it. i’m not stupid…why have i been telling myself that for years? bc i don’t measure up intellectually with my sister or cousins? now THAT’s stupid…i just have to spend a little more time studying, so what…i haven’t got the job i’ve been striving for the past 3 years, but it wasn’t bc i failed, i’ve passed the tests beyond the requirements. i guess its just not where i’m supposed to be yet. keep trying. i KNOW i’ll get there…i’m not as lean as i was 4 months ago on stage…you know what? i’m also nowhere close to being my old self. i feel strong. i have energy. i made that goal of getting on stage (i didn’t place but i still looked better than i have my whole life), i met the best friends anyone could ever ask for on this journey, my body can do things that most women OR men CANT DO! i’m not fat though MY eyes may tell me otherwise. my friends, family, some strangers think i look great…i need to listen to them more instead of that voice inside my head yelling YOU’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH!!!! i have so much to give and i don’t want those thoughts to hold me back any longer. if i wanna make a difference in this world (and that’s all i ever wanted to do), then i have to start accepting myself and the person that God made me. i am strong, i am smart, i do have a good heart…i also know that there is someone, or a lot out there that are stronger, smarter, and better people…i have to stop comparing myself to others and breathe easy knowing i’m trying my hardest, and i deserve to be proud of myself.
i say all of this, but i know tomorrow i will wake up with the same feelings, so this will be a constant battle. but i know where the healing starts. it doesn’t start with each pound of fat i lose, or every lb of muscle i gain. it starts in my head. accepting that i work hard every day, and i MAY not be the best at everything, the leanest, the prettiest, the smartest, or anywhere close to where i wanna be in life, but i’m doing all i can to be the best me that i can. life is a journey. you can’t get everything you want all at once. i accept that.
