I just got back from 11 wonderful days in northern ky/cincinnati. Have I ever mentioned how much i adore my friends? 
you’ll be happy to know, that isn’t what the blog is about. anyway, we all know that i started traveling there for fitness affiliated reasons and though i may (or may not. never say never) be retired from competing, fitness is still a very important part of my life. when i first started this journey, i used to look at the cover model of every oxygen magazine and want their body. i flipped through every fitness magazine wanting what i didn’t have and constantly putting myself down for my not so sculpted legs or whatever it was i was focusing on that day….this past year has been a trying time for me and my goals in this area of my life. my body didn’t want to cooperate with me the last time i tried to lean out for a show. no matter how much cardio i was doing, how little carbs i was taking in, or how many cheat meals i WASN’t having, my body was not giving in and i was killing myself trying. after Julie finally telling me to stop and suggesting i see a doctor (i still wasn’t convinced anything was wrong and though i told her i’d stop, i kept going another month. again nothing budged). Si then my friends double teamed me and MADE me go see a specialist (i’m not hard headed at all). after draining my body of what felt like a gallon of my blood for testing and spitting into tubes, i finally sat down with a doctor to go over my results. she told me i was in adrenal fatigue and my thyroid was extremely low, and for all those reasons, my estrogen and testosterone were at rock bottom, and a few other things but thats all boring….bottom line, she told me to SLOW DOWN, rest, and we would begin treating my problems so that one day hopefully my body would work properly for itself without medication….okay so that was back in march and i’ve done a lot of resting and fat gaining, muscle losing, mind battling and everything in between in that time. what i have learned is my weak body is still REALLY strong even at my weakest, my friends and family still love me with “more of me to love”, and i still love myself and who i am. My goals are now to get my body working properly so that it won’t always be so hard to lose weight and one day finding that place that isn’t stage ready but that i feel comfortable in my own skin. i no longer look at the Erin Stern’s and Nicole W. Lee’s of the world and want to look like them. WHY? because i will NEVER look like them. I now look at pictures when i remember feeling good about myself and feeling pretty and confident and i KNOW i can look like that again. I’m my own new inspiration. i also realized that every time i told myself i was fat, or not pretty, that i was pretty much telling God, “You didn’t do good enough”. It hurts my heart to even type that. With that said i don’t think i have to accept where my body is at this moment in my life as my forever body here on earth. no, he gave me physical and mental strength to preform and make my body the BEST body i can have for ME! My goal is to have the best arms, abs, butt and legs that i can obtain without risking my health. Its as simple as that. I’m learning everyday to accept. Accept my body, my heart, the love of my friends and family, and the love of God. Its a process and i’m learning….slowly.
This was on my heart the past few days to share. I know there are many women out there playing the same mind games with themselves everyday of “not as lean, or muscular, or pretty as (fill in the blank).” Ease up on yourself, God did a great job when He made you. Just focus on being the best you, you can be. You can’t be anyone else.
Love you all.
